Asked by many. Answered by people who lived it.

No, going by the guests on Finding Sikhi, some of whom were raised outside Sikh families. Bishan Singh grew up in a white, middle class family in Nottingham with agnostic parents. Offering it as his own opinion, he goes further: “I don’t think you can be born a Sikh”. As he tells it, each person has to join with the Guru of their own accord.

Japjeet Kaur, who is from Belgium, says it never felt as though she had chosen Sikhi, or even found it. She was not looking for anything, she says, and it unfolded anyway.

• Bishan Singh on nobody being born a Sikh at 1:01:38
• Japjeet Kaur on not choosing Sikhi herself at 29:43

Ram Kaur had read that everyone is welcome in a Gurdwara (Sikh place of worship), and says that is what she found. She looked up what to do: shoes off, hands washed, head covered. She went on a quiet late morning, sat at the back and could not follow what was said, yet did not want to leave. “It’s like you found home now”, she says.

Haneet Kaur, who was Muslim at the time, was nervous about causing offence. She says everyone was welcoming, though on later visits she noticed some odd looks. Bishan Singh went on a quiet weekday with a friend, bowed, and was shown round.

• Ram Kaur on her first Gurdwara visit
• Haneet Kaur on being welcomed in
• Bishan Singh on a quiet weekday visit at 35:41

Gurbani Kaur and Japjeet Kaur both say no, from their own experience of Amrit (Sikh initiation). Gurbani Kaur says she cried because she felt unworthy, and asked another Sikh when she would be ready. As she tells it, he replied that nobody ever feels ready: all she could do was go to the next ceremony, ask, and accept the answer. Japjeet Kaur’s advice to people who contact her is: “Don’t think you need to be perfect”. She adds that you should still come committed.

Haneet Kaur did not want to rush. She says she lived as a Sikh for about three years and went when she felt ready.

• Gurbani Kaur on never feeling ready at 59:59
• Japjeet Kaur on not needing to be perfect at 1:14:53
• Haneet Kaur on waiting three years

Bishan Singh calls the day he took Amrit (Sikh initiation) the “craziest day of my life”, and Ram Kaur says hers was very emotional. He says he was asked questions beforehand and was ready to be told to come back later. During the ceremony he felt, in his words, transported back to 1699. He was very tired by the end, and glad the Rehat (code of conduct) was given in English.

Ram Kaur says her earlier life passed quickly before her: the council estate, the missed schooling, the jobs. She says she learned that if you take one step towards the Guru, the Guru takes many towards you.

• Bishan Singh on the day he took Amrit at 45:57
• Ram Kaur on taking Amrit in 2008

The guests' experiences differ: some families were supportive and some were not. Bishan Singh, then 17, made changes one at a time and talked about Sikhi constantly. He says his parents were concerned at first but open.

Haneet Kaur told her mum alone about her husband’s change, then confirmed her own by phone. She says her family then stopped speaking to her. Her husband, Joga Singh, waited two months, then messaged his sister, and says his family also cut contact. Her caution is to be aware that family may stop talking to you, and not to rush. His is to think first about your age, money, housing and safety.

• Bishan Singh on telling his parents at 29:21
• Haneet Kaur on telling her mum
• Joga Singh on telling his family at 1:24:43

Gurbani Kaur says yes, and that understanding came to her later. In her words: “it doesn’t matter if you can’t understand it, everybody should read or listen to Gurbani” (the Guru’s words). She says nobody explained the meaning to her and she never read a translation; while listening to Kirtan (the singing of Gurbani) she found, all of a sudden, that she had started to understand.

Ram Kaur could not follow anything on her first visit to a Gurdwara (Sikh place of worship), and says she still wanted to stay sitting there. On programme days she could read the translations put up on a screen.

• Gurbani Kaur on understanding coming later at 25:39
• Ram Kaur on sitting without understanding

Dharmveer Singh describes being in that position, and says a small weekday class changed things for him. Taken to the Gurdwara (Sikh place of worship) as a child, he says he sat through Sundays understanding nothing. In his early twenties a cousin invited him to a class of six or seven who recited a prayer, Rehras Sahib, along with the teacher. Later he read a little at home, adding bit by bit. “Don’t put pressure on yourself”, he says.

Bishan Singh’s suggestion to people raised in Sikh households is to treat each Gurdwara visit, however rare, as a chance to build a personal relationship with the Guru.

• Dharmveer Singh on a small weekday class
• Bishan Singh on using each Gurdwara visit at 1:21:16

Ram Kaur and Haneet Kaur both wear one and say yes. Ram Kaur says some people used to think only men wear the Dastaar (Sikh turban), “but it’s for everyone”. She began with something easier to tie, which kept coming off, switched after a few months, and now feels something is missing without it. She says there is no fixed way to tie it, and that people in the Sangat (spiritual community) will help.

Haneet Kaur asked her husband whether women wear one. As she tells it, he said that not all women do, but women can. She tried it and says she felt happy straight away.

• Ram Kaur on tying a Dastaar
• Haneet Kaur on choosing a turban

Ram Kaur assumed so at first, and says she then learned it was Seva (selfless service), where you do not look for any reward. When she first saw people working in the Langar (the free community kitchen) at her Gurdwara (Sikh place of worship), she thought it must be a job with set hours.

So she went to help and found everyone welcoming. Her task was scraping out the food waste, and of that she says: “I felt like I was cleaning my heart”. She describes the meal as the same for everyone, with all sitting alike.

• Ram Kaur on discovering Seva in Langar

Bishan Singh and Ram Kaur both did. Bishan Singh taught himself the letters of Gurmukhi (the script Gurbani is written in) by writing each one a hundred times, then took online lessons with a teacher, known as Santhya. He says it is not that hard if you are consistent, and that the main obstacle is ego: “you think you’re doing everything right and then you get told you’re doing everything wrong”.

Ram Kaur saw a notice for children’s Punjabi classes at her Gurdwara (Sikh place of worship) and asked to join. She sat with small children, exercise book in hand, and says nobody treated her differently.

• Bishan Singh on teaching himself Gurmukhi at 1:06:26
• Ram Kaur on joining a children's class

Gurbani Kaur says yes, speaking only about herself. She says she has had depression in the past, and adds: “I’m quite happy to say this openly, I’ve had therapy loads of times”. She now turns to it early, when a hard period begins, without waiting until things are at their worst.

She says nothing about being a committed Sikh rules out that kind of support, and that the two can work well together. She adds that finding a therapist who understands her way of life is not always easy.

This is one person’s experience, not medical advice. If you are struggling, please speak to your GP, a health professional or someone you trust.

• Gurbani Kaur on therapy and her faith at 1:19:32

No, going by the guests, though how they were received varies. Ram Kaur, whose parents are from Jamaica and St Lucia, says she has had no problems to her face, in Britain or travelling alone in Punjab. She adds that she cannot know what is said once she has walked away.

Japjeet Kaur, who is from Belgium, says most people treated her differently for being white, often too positively. Her request is: “please just treat me like you would treat any Sikh”. She hopes attitudes are changing and says there is still a long way to go.

• Ram Kaur on being welcomed by Sangat
• Japjeet Kaur on being treated differently at 1:58:10